I receive so much fan spam mail…I thought I would answer some of it here….
I’m a very luck gal!!
Get a REAL Visa Right Away
So now I won’t get arrested every time I try to use my fake one! Hope this one gets here quick. Think they will deliver to a State Prison?
$10,000 Scholarship Giveaway Confirmation
Perfect for when I get out of jail and start my new life! (Although I have earned my Masters in License Plate Manufaturing here!)
Someone has sent you a Victoria Secret Gift Card!
Woo-hoo…best smelling inmate around! Wait…they don’t have a Victoria Secrets here !
Reach your weight loss goals with a full body cleanse.
I don’t think they mean with soap either….
Flirt with Sexy singles
All talk…baby…all talk
Naughty or Nice? Browse Singles in Your Area!
Obviously all naughty in my area, why do you ask?
Boob job gone wrong
That’s a matter of opinion, jerk!
You’ve heard about it on the radio and tv. Now you can cleanse at home.
Dear God….someone is trying to tell me something!
Picture Yourself an eBay Millionaire!
O.K., now what?
CHEAP Viagra save 50% your money !!!
I will save this coupon. (Well you never know!)
Experience 4 Nights in Beautiful Cancun
I will when I get my REAL Visa!
Product Ideas & Inventions Needed
I know where this is going, so you are interested in the After Hump Panty Lump
Didn’t Think you could afford that house? Now you Can!
Of course I can…I have a Masters you know!
AUT0 INSURANCE SAVINGS UP TO $600 A YEAR !
God knows I need this!
Love Is Sexy ! Are You?
I’m in cell 063….*wink*

Have you ever wondered what happens to those Easter Eggs that little Johnny & Sally never found? The ones you were so busy popping jellybeans and squishy marshmallow bunnies into your mouth, you completely forgot about? Well, no worries… nothing goes to waste folks!
See if you recognize any of these beauties!

Today was one of those days. I didn’t feel good when I woke up and damn-it I should have listened to my body and stayed in bed. But no, I got up.
The day started out with a bang. I walked the trash out first thing in the morning looking as lovely as ever, pink sweats, a red and gray sweatshirt, white bandanna in the hair, and some honkin’ sunglasses to cover yesterdays eye make-up that could now be mistaken for 2 black eyes. Figures I would run into my new upstairs neighbor, who has more than once invited us up to see their place….
“Good morning” I said
“Hi”
Hi? That’s not very friendly for someone who has been so anxious to show us his diggs. Perhaps he was mad because we had not came up to visit yet. Now I feel bad.
“Now that you’re settled, lets us know when it’s convenient and we’ll come up!”
Gees Louise what a nice neighbor I am.
He nodded with a slight “O.k.”
That’s flippin’ it I thought. I am not putting my good, neighborly heart out there for the ‘new kid on the block’ to smash it. I’m over it…I tell myself. I continue my morning walk to the trash and fling my garbage as hard as I can into that dumpster. I’m mad now, I am marching back to my apartment so fast, my fanny’s jiggling 80 miles an hour in my pink sweats.
Just as I approach my apartment door,
“Good morning” I hear
“Huh?” as I look up and see my new upstairs neighbor walking out his door. So who the freak was the guy I was talking to…oh dear God…it wasn’t my neighbor at all. I feel faint, I give my new upstairs neighbor a quick nod and hurry inside. As if my outfit wasn’t embarrassing enough.
So now it’s been a few hours. I try to recuperate from my morning disaster and get up the courage to go get my mail. I have showered and dressed appropriately, that man would never recognize me now… I do however have a (clean) bandanna on my wet hair. Which actually turns out to be a God send. I get my mail, lots of little ads to flip through. I think I’ll sit right here on this bench and enjoy the fresh air while I see what Big Lots and Ikea have on sale. (Ikea has some great little recycling bins!)(Didn’t see much at Big Lots)(But I didn’t get to look through the whole thing) It’s a beautiful day, never heard anything about rain but I’m feeling drops. No…please…not again! I reach up to feel my bandanna wondering if I’m hallucinating again and that’s when it donned on me. I’ve been pooped on AGAIN. Who saw that was my first thought, the man I spoke to this morning? He is watching me from afar I’m sure, the crazy lady got pooped on! Now as I rush back to my apartment I run into my next door neighbor, whom I only know as ‘Michelle.’
“Hi” she says giving me that look, you know, the did you get pooped on look.
“A bird pooped on my head” was all I managed to get out.
“Oh” she says as she enters her apartment.
I walk in lock the door, stand in the middle of the room and click my heels together 3 times. I am going no where….I am pretty sure I can hear her on the phone now, I am pretty sure she is talking to the man from this morning. I double check my locks hoping the men in white jackets don’t come…ever.
I clean up, again and decide to play it safe and sit out back for awhile. Suddenly leaves are flying, tree branches are swaying, dirt is everywhere. Honest to God, I have lived in Southern California my whole life and never knew we had tornadoes. My first thought, grab the kids. Kids are now men and have been on their own for a few years now. Grab the kids pictures. Well…maybe it’s not a tornado after all. It’s a helicopter. Now why in the hell is it landing in my back yard? My hair is now messy, I have dirt in my eyes, leaves are floating all around me. I hear it getting closer, I duck for cover until all has settled and the last leaf has come to rest. I look up and there it is. It’s smaller than a helicopter, bigger than a bird. It’s a Heli-Pigeon and it’s looking at me. Am I not safe anywhere? I now picture my new upstairs neighbor, the strange man and Michelle behind a bush somewhere controlling this thing with a remote control. I just happened to have my camera with me so I took a couple snapshots…for evidence…just in case.
Mama always said, ‘Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.’ But seriously mom…did you really have any idea?

…if you are one of my children or parents.

It can be so annoying, it can be irritating. It can be down right embarrassing. Hopefully this subject will never be included in my book. So far so good.
O.k., how shall I proceed without making anyone blush? I will be as delicate as my genius mind allows me….you will understand why I’m a genius in a second. *deep breath*
I address this subject on behalf of all woman. Why? Because that’s the kind of gal I am.
So…a f-e-w of my friends, who wish to remain anonymous have recently come to me expressing a sensitive issue. As I turn 11 shades of red, I ask, “why do you burden me with your problems?” Uh-hm…what I mean is, “why are you sharing such personal information with me and what do you expect me to do??” I shake my head, really wondering what this world is coming to. “Heidi, you are very smart, beautiful and trustworthy and if anyone could come up with a solution it would be you.” (O.k., not really…I just added that!) But dog-gone it, these are my friends and owe it to Laurie and Wendy I mean my anonymous friends to do everything in my power to help them with this….sensitive issue. I put on my thinking cap (hence, the genius mind) dig out the books, head to the laboratory, pull out my drafting table and a product is born!

A romantic evening with your love,
Cloud 9…you’re floating far above
You just can’t get him off your mind
Discomfort grows, with the time
It’s annoying, though it’s just a drip
But I’ve brought to you… just the trick!

A new feminine hygiene product…perfect for the day after!
*please note- through my research some asked,”what if you dont
wear panties?” Work with me here folks, improvise! I can’t think
of everything!!

I have been under the weather these past few days. Haven’t done much of anything….sleep, watch a little T.V., sleep some more. One would think bed would be a safe place, not for me. I somehow managed to rip out my new little nose ring while I was sleeping, I tried to put it back in but the bells and stars changed my mind….I guess you could say I got a little woozy! It was cute while it lasted.*sigh* Now it just looks as if I have a big ole pimple on the side of my nose!
We took a little drive to the mountains last week-end and I did get a few pictures, I’ll share those since I don’t have much else going on right now….

oh, and one more…