How dry I am, I how wet I’ll be
If I don’t find that bathroom key
I found the key now where’s the door
Now it’s too late…it’s on the floor.
I drove to Ventura today to stay with one of my bestest friends whom I haven’t seen in almost a year. She had to work but “the back door would be unlocked.” Of course I had to pee the last 30 minutes of the 90 minute drive, but I could wait because “the back door would be unlocked.” Here I sit in my car, my Verizon USB720 cord hanging out my window, my eyes bulging out because the “back door wasn’t unlocked.” My car is shaking to rhythm of my tapping feet. People are staring. It’s not a pretty sight. So go to a gas station and use the facilities already….I’m scared. She lives on the beach and parking is minimal, if I leave I may have to parallel when I return. That’s not a pretty sight either. So with the nosy people wondering why I am sitting in my car with an Verizon USB720 cord hanging out my window, bulging eyes, and a car shaking to rhythm of my tapping feet I take this opportunity to share with you my wonderful Mothers Day gift. Don’t be jealous. Is this not the cutest thing you have ever seen? I love monkeys, I collect dolls. Wa-la…perfect gift! I named Her Bella but after reading her certificate I learned her name was Jingles. I call her Jingle Bella. Not to be confused with Jingle Balls.
So check back soon…I’ll let you know how the pee situation and all turned out.
Peece,

if you have not read the previous chapters of my big, thick book click here…if you have, you are good to go!

Chapter 9
Jingle Balls

It was Christmas day.
It was a few years ago, but oh how fresh it is in my mind.
My face blended well with the red lights that adorn the tree.

It started out like any other Christmas day. We were up at 6 a.m., however I was awake at 4 a.m. pacing the bedroom floor anxious to see what Santa had brought me, I mean the kids. After all was said and done, (by the way I got squat that year!) we ate breakfast, (Costco muffins, I refused to cook after getting squat!) we showered and headed off to my parents for our traditional Christmas dinner.
For some reason, I’m thinking every flippin’ relative I have was there. From siblings to my aunt’s cousins step-daughters nephew. One person was too many that day, in a minute you’ll understand why. Relax…I’m getting there.
Too cool to hang with the old folks, my son and nephew (not my aunt’s cousins step-daughters nephew) sat in front of the stereo talking…I assume about boy/men ‘stuff.’ They, for whatever reason decided to call a radio station to request a song. No harm in that right? Except the D.J. completely blew them off over and over again and continued playing Tra-La-La-La-La songs. It is Christmas after all, even though I got squat at least the Christmas music is keeping me in the spirit.
Now they have a brilliant idea,
“Mom, you’re a girl(?) you call…he’ll listen to you!”
Tis the season, I can’t say no. I was still hoping for that present after all, so I agreed. As I start to dial I ask what song they wanted me to request.
“Big Balls by AC/DC.”
“Come again…..you want to hear what????”
(I can’t believe I am admitting this on the WWW) Being the cool mom I am….I continued with the phone call. (all the while in th background my mom is informing us it is almost time to eat.) (I brought my leftover Costco muffins.) (Blueberry)
Ring. Ring.
“Merry Christmas, KXXX Radio”
“Hi…um, I wanted to request a song?”
“Wow, you have a sexy voice…”
So now I am walking to a back room for privacy, this wasn’t going to be an easy call. Blushing like a 14 year old girl who was talking to a boy for the first time, I continue.
“I do?” I mean “I do!!”
“You sound hot!”
“Naw…giggle, giggle,” as I take a quick glance at the mirror.
“I bet you have a lot of boyfriends.”
“Naw” as I break out in a heat flash.
Now bear in mind I am doing this for the sake of the kids, it had nothing to do with getting my ego stroked…..even a little.
“But I do have a song request!”
“Oh, yes….anything, what can I play for you?”
Oh gees Louise, now I have to verbalize this song to this raunchy D.J. dude, “Um….Big Balls by…”
“Oh you tiger, I know who sings that”
“It’s for my kids.”
“Sure it is honey.”
I scream. Not the someone help me scream, but the scream of a 14 year old who who has just talk to a boy for the first time!
“Thank you so much!”
“Anytime hot mama.” (o.k. thats a lie, but he did say anytime!)
Click. I hung up to the calling of my mom who informed me they are waiting on me.
“Sorry, I had an important call to make,” as I wink at the kids its a done deal.
Now my mom tells us to turn the stereo off so we can say Grace. Does she not have a clue what I just subjected myself to. Can she not see the 8 shades of red that still adorns my face? So…just as my son approaches the stereo you hear the screams of a 14 year old girl from those big Hi Fi speakers. Not the someone help me scream, but the scream of a 14 year old who who has just talk to a boy for the first time!
It was a familiar scream.
It was my scream. (but who cares…really no one knows it’s me…and it was just a scream)

From there on out everything was in s l o w m o t i o n.
My family, now standing in a circle holding hands can’t possibly reconize the scream. But before my son hit the button my conversation with this raunchy D.J. dude proceeding the scream, played in full. You could hear a pin drop. The conversation which seemed to last forever finally ended. I try to play it off, but they knew, they all knew.
The kids are laughing hysterically.
My mom used my middle name.
Damn.
It was on thing I acted like a 14 year giddy girl flirting with a raunchy D.J. dude, it was a whole different story I was calling to request Big Balls. My phone rings, it rings again….and again. Seems everybody was tuned in to KXXX this wonderful Christmas morning. Sweet, innocent Heidi’s cover had been blown. Some have never acknowledged the incident since, others…well, I will never hear the end of it.
So did he ever play Big Balls? How could he resist such a sexy voice! So I did get squat after all…I got my 15 seconds of fame!
Merry Christmas kids.

Meet Kiwi! This is my other four legged friend. She is about 9 years old. Doesn’t look a day over 102, huh? I got her when she was 5 days old and have watched her blossom into a fine young tortoise. She is very curious, friendly and devious. Isn’t she cute? (In a turtle kinda way)

Here is a layout I recently did of my princess, Filthy. Now, I tried to rename her Tia, but…..she is Filthy and I guess always will be. Now who would name their little girl such a nasty name? Hold on folks, it gets worse. Her full name is Filthy McNasty. I’m not typically a cruel person, and there is a reason behind this madness…really!
This little adorable feline has not always been so adorable. She showed up one fine day, on my porch about 7 years ago. She was so mangy we could not even tell she was a cat until we saw her sweet little face. She is a purebred Persian and her hair was in dreadlocks. (I remember one time using tongs to remove what I thought was a worm from her hair which actually turned out to be one of those Wonton noodles…no doubt from a dumpster… I don’t know…do Persians eat Wonton noodles?) She hung out a few months before we officially adopted her, (after a well needed trip to the groomers!!!) in the mean time my sons gave her the name Filthy McNasty and it has stuck with her since. Is she not the most precious thing you have ever seen?

Dear Friends and Family,
Over the past few years, I have witnessed the heartaches and devastation that cancer brings. I am sure I am not alone in the grief I have witnessed. Every day we meet someone who is personally touched by the burden of cancer. In effort to fight back, I have joined a team to walk in the “Relay for Life” cancer walk. This supports the American Cancer Society’s effort in search for a cure. If you are not familiar with this effort, you can visit their website at: http://www.relayforlife.org/relay/

In effort to raise funds and show support, our team, “The Box of Cupcakes” will be walking for two days, May 17th and 18th in Ventura, CA. In addition to donations, we will also be planting a cupcake garden to be on display at the walk-a -thon for thousands of visitors to see. Each glorious, handcrafted, Multi-media, cupcake inserted into our garden will represent someone who is fighting or has survived the battle of cancer or in memory of someone you have lost. It is my pledge to you that for every relay I walk in from here on out, your cupcake will continue to flourish in the garden so that no one will forget. The suggested donation for each cupcake is two-dollars. Every penny counts and is greatly appreciated!

Checks should be made to the American Cancer Society. Should you wish to plant a cupcake, please include on a separate piece of paper the name in which you would like your cupcake dedicated and a personal message you would like included. Millions of people will benefit from your generosity!
Thanks for all your help,
Heidi
If anyone is interested in donating to this worthy cause, you can email me at dolfin4hid at yahoo dot com
I won this cute little gift for being such a ambitious ‘cupcake.’ The little cupcakes are lip balm and the ‘Legalize Frostitution’ is a mirror…is that not the cutest thing you’ve ever seen?!! Thank you so much Sunday!