A random picture I just came across. Appropriate for this time of year, reminds me of Halloween. It was taken a few years back on a hot and sunny, summer day. A random day. For no particular reason, my best friend Deanna and I donned these masks while driving around running errands….in a convertible. It wasn’t out of character for either of us, perhaps this was a warning, an indication we I had issues.
This month has been pretty uneventful. I had a Doctors appointment for my ear infection, I have started to prepare my turtle, Kiwi for hibernation. Got new front tires for my car, I lost my mom for a day (she was fine!) I did have the pleasure of having my son and his puppies come for a week-end visit…twice!!! I survived another birthday, officially reaching my
mid-forties! And….I did something that, a few years ago I could never have fathomed. It was unrealistic, a goal that was unreachable within my wildest dreams.
But I did it…..and if I had a horn, I would toot it!

Seven years ago, after experiencing a traumatic event I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (O.C.D.) I had a type, similar to what they refer to as Trichotillomania, a form of hair pulling. Long story short, I would spend an average of 5 to 12 hours a day pulling my hair out, eventually leaving me completely bald. As fast as those babies grew back in, I would yank them right back out. There was nothing anyone could do or say that would justify my stopping. The urge or ‘impulse’ has often been described as a hiccup in your brain, or a brain lock, preventing your brain from shifting gears. Wigs (later dubbed “the helmets”) and scarves did a great job of covering the physical effects, but the emotional and psychological damage it caused was often more than I could bear. This not only impacted my life, affecting my ability to function in the outside world….it unfortunately took a toll on everyone around me.
Unable to fully comprehend what I was going through, and not knowing how to deal with it, some people pulled away from me….abandoning our relationship. Those who stood by me were there through the thick and thin, good days and the bad reiterating their unconditional love. After six years, with the support of my loved ones by my side, many hours of therapy, medications, a lot of sweat, tears, prayers and determination. I (toot-toot) have reached a personal (tooooot) milestone. As of October 5th, 2008 it has been (toot-toot-toot) one year since I have tugged, pulled or mutilated my hair (tooot) in any way!!! After going through a year of awkward lengths and styles…..I finally got my first real “girly” haircut. I maintain therapy to help prevent any sort of relapse, but I’m there.
A few years ago I could never have fathomed this. It was unrealistic, a goal that was unreachable within my wildest dreams.
But I did it…..and if I had a horn, I would toot it!

Related Posts
Brain Lock
The Gift Of Life…My Life

Once upon a time a girl named Heidi had bugs…no wait, she made bugs. Not your typical pesky bugs but cute, lovable bugs. She made a lot, it was very therapeutic for her. She hand painted each and every one with her bare hands. Then life got crazy and Heidi had to put them in the ‘Bug Vault’ for awhile. Now as life settles down, the bugs are slowly creeping out, as cute and lovable as ever. Because there are so many and Heidi wants to make more, she will soon have to put them up for adoption. They are all named and for the most part well behaved. The Pot Pals live in potted plants, the Bug Mugs have magnets and are ideal for a refrigerators, etc…
The adoption fee is reasonable and a portion will go to an O.C.D. Foundation. Watch here for more details!!

I just realized I had never posted this…it is one of my first and one of my favorites.

Did you ever go to bed at night
Not wanting to see the morning light
Wondering how to ease the pain
Knowing you can’t see the sun
Through the clouds and the rain

Living in a private storm
Left betrayed and standing all alone
Words so fierce, they cut like a knife
Piercing my heart, changing my life
Waiting for the clouds to pass me by
Absorbing the pain, I held my head high

Unable to see I’d forsaken my pride
My body reacting from all held inside
Dreams…of surviving to see the rainbow
Are now visions forgotten, it was time to let go
The storm since passed revealing Blue Skies
The beauty though masked by the rain in my eyes

Sounds of thunder echo in my ears
Drowning in pain I try to cope with my fears
Surrounded by pain of heartache and gloom
In search of that rainbow so my life can resume
Existing…with hopes the rain will soon clear my eyes
So I too, can see the beauty of the sun and Blue Skies


No longer did I take for granted the sunlight on my face, the touch of a caring hand, the sound of laughter or the taste of a tear. This battle, this journey, this pain were a constant reminder of how precious the gift of life was. It was that revelation that gave me the strength to fight, to hold my head up high and embrace what dignity I had left. The dark circles that shadowed my tear stained eyes, the outline of bones protruding through my red, welty skin. The sores hidden beneath my now thin hair….the absence of my passion for life were a result of the pain hidden deep within. It was there, with each beat of my heart, with every breath I took. There were few who stood beside me sharing yesterdays pain, todays fears and tomorrows uncertainty. Those who did not understand the nature of the beast chose to turn their heads, it was perhaps easier for them. It was then I learned what loneliness felt like, after awhile I had become numb realizing it just didn’t matter anymore…….


You are as close to me as anyone or anything has ever been. You have been with me through times of depression, you have calmed me when I’ve become anxious…..at times being the only hope of getting me through those long, lonely days. It was you that stuck by me when life seemed so hopeless.
Our relationship is unique, one that can be understood by none other than us. As much as it has hurt those around me, it has been you I’ve turned to in those times of need. We, in our own little world have become inseparable. I never intended for it to turn out this way…..it was in the beginning so harmless. As much as you wanted to be there I wanted you, as much as you needed to be there I needed you. You were my sole source of comfort and strength, relieving my pain….allowing me to escape reality. You were my Best Friend. How was I to know you would in the end betray me? For all the comfort you once brought me, you have now become the source of my pain. I was naive and trusting, I let you into my life and being who you are……you became my life.
Our relationship has caused great pain to all those involved, you are now not only a part of me but my loved ones as well. Your presence constant though no longer welcome, you fill each day with not only pain but with frustration, tears, feelings of hopelessness, sleepless nights at times….the desire to end it all. I have because of you, lost many true friends, my dignity and my self-esteem. You have taken away the ability to be the person, the mom I yearn to be.
Because of the countless hours I devote to you I no longer live a productive life. I am unable to work or engage in social activities, I have become a prisoner in my own home. The damage you have caused exceeds emotions as you have caused great physical damage as well. The blonde hair that once covered my scalp has been replaced with sores caused by the weapons of your madness. The blisters on my fingers, the pain in my arms and my back are a constant reminder of your betrayal. I now question the reflection I see in the mirror, as it is no longer me. Through the pain in the eyes that once sparkled I see my worst enemy….. I see you.
Now it is time we part, I must stand strong and fight for the strength you have deprived me of. You have made it clear by your relentless acts…..this won’t be an easy good-bye. It is not your strength I fear but my weakness. I will no longer question your motives but seek the truth, with knowledge comes strength, with strength comes victory. For me this is the gift of life….my life. Know that for every tear I cried I will now smile twice that. For all the pain you brought me will be replaced by abundant peace. For each night of sleep I lost to you I will dream of a life without you. Know that for each person you try to befriend I pray for them the strength to walk away. For each and every relationship you destroyed I will now rekindle. Every hour you stole from my life I will make up by living the next to the fullest.
I write to you this letter on this day, this hour, this minute to say good-bye. With my loved ones by my side I will continue to stand strong, I will continue to fight. When tomorrow comes there will be no regrets because I know I will be one day closer ….closer to the day I will look in the mirror and through the sparkle in the eyes once so full of pain, I see me . Victory, the gift of life….my life.


You tell me that you understand
Reach out and take my trembling hand
Let our minds and souls unite
Absorb the pain that fills my life

Beads of sweat pouring down
It’s time to mutilate your crown
Don’t let the pain interfere
Your brain has locked into gear

Madness grows deep within
Blood stains glisten on your skin
Life is waiting, it’s getting late
You’re stuck in hell with no escape

Steadily trembling from fatigue
Don’t give in now.. breathe damn it, breathe
Your body stagnate in your bed
Visions of hell replay in your head

I tell you that I understand
I reach out and take your trembling hand
Let our minds and souls unite
You felt the pain that fills my life


What lies ahead a mystery
my only crime…being me
A prisioner of this lonely fight
losing hope, losing sight

Walls are slowly moving in
revealing tales of where I’ve been
In search of what I call my own
in this makeshift world I call home

No place to lie my battered head
no promises of a warm soft bed
No kids to stand by my side
guilt prevails invading my mind

Embracing only memories
of self respect, of dignity
The only thing left to hold
are dreams that linger in my soul

What lies ahead a mystery
my only hope…being free


This world in which I exist
has simply gone insane

My each and every waking hour
consumed by tears and pain

I’ve given all that I can give
there’s nothing left inside

No hopes and dreams of better days
no dignity or pride

How can you expect me to carry on
to hold my head up high

When the only way to ease such pain
is to close my eyes and die

This poem was published in the
2006 International Book of Poetry!!


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