Blast from the past…
Originally posted Nov. 20, 2008

On my honor, I will try: to serve God and my country….Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so….in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice…grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can…I have the right to remain silent, anything I say can be used against me….I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States….I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth ….forgive me Father for I have sinned….bad boy, bad boy, what’cha gonna do when they come for you…

With racing thoughts and that feeling of an impending doom, the second it happened my body went into anxiety mode.

I then caught a quick glimpse of my future…..

Fortunately, the logical part of me stepped back in, and brought me back to reality.

You know the little things you would hear as a child, “if you step on a crack, you’ll break your mama’s back.” You’re pretty sure that’s not going to happen, but err with caution just in case. As an adult you know it’s not possible….but occasionally that inner child kicks back in. You find yourself, secretly making an effort to step over that crack ahead of you…for old times sake. When you first start noticing these hideous little things growing on your skin.
“They are freckles honey.”
“Well I don’t want freckles.”
“You don’t? Did you know that every time you get a new freckle, it means an Angel has kissed you?” So now you feel like the most loved child on earth. You begin to make a conscious effort to see if other kids had freckles….and how many. Now older and wiser, you know the truth but sometimes finding a new freckle can still bring a smile to your face.

I remember playing with a pillow one day while visiting my grandparents, holding it by the “tag” and dangling it around. My grandma said, “Be careful Annie, you might rip that off.” (Annie was my nickname growing up. It means “our favorite grandchild.” Or something.) I didn’t really know what the big deal was, but as usual, I complied. (that is how I earned all those Angel kisses!) Still playing around, obediently, I happened to look at the tag. That’s when I saw it, and it all made sense; Under Penalty of Law, This Tag Not To Be Removed. My grandma knew, she new what would happen to me if I ripped the “tag” off, I would go to jail! I had already pulled the “tag” off my very own pillow at home and now I’m a little worried. What if my mom found out…what if anyone found out? I held this little secret close to my heart for awhile, not even out of grade school and I was already a law-breaker. I eventually confided to my best friend. She laughed hysterically at me until I showed her the “tag” on her pillow. We read it together, Under Penalty of Law, This Tag Not To Be Removed, in smaller letters underneath it said, Except By The Consumer
“What’s a consumer?”
“I don’t know, I don’t think I’m old enough to be one though.”
It took some investigating, but I did find out….I was a consumer. Still didn’t really know what that meant, but I knew I was one of ‘em! So much for grandma wanting to spare my future as a convict, she was just worried about her damn pillow!

But the little “what if’s” remain. What if…I stepped on a crack, what if…the neighbor had more freckles than me, what if….I pulled the tag off my pillow? See the pattern? See it? Something is telling me O.C.D. has played a bigger part in my life than I care to admit! So yes, today, when I ACCIDENTALLY yanked the tag clean from my pillow. The second it happened my body went into anxiety mode, with racing thoughts and that feeling of an impending doom. But, I’m O.K, Annie’s O.K. As fast as the anxiety came, reality set back in.

Now older and (so much) wiser, I know the truth. But occasionally I like finding a new freckle or secretly making an effort to step over that crack ahead of me. Apparently I’m still working on that consumer/tag thing though.

As I finish writing this, I’m kinda feeling a little anxious again. Just wondering…did I unconsciously pass this down to another generation? I don’t remember, did I or didn’t I ever tell my kids that their stuffed animals don’t really turn into Angels that watch over them once they’re asleep? Do they know that the dancing light in the car isn’t really Tinkerbell, it’s the reflection from my watch? Do they know that it’s not really a law that you have to brush your teeth first thing in the morning? You know…they may even still wonder if the sun really hisses when it touches the ocean at sunset.