if you have not read the previous chapters of my big, thick book click here…if you have, you are good to go!


Chapter 8
Me and Dude-E

It was a clear, warm, beautiful, California day. It was a day I don’t care to remember.
It was a day he would rather forget.
I will refer to him as Dude-E.
I had been at the hospital, keeping my mom and sister company as they waited for a loved one to come out of surgery. We did word finds, crossword puzzles, flipped through magazines, ( i had a secret fantasy that perhaps one clear, warm, beautiful, California day someone would be in the waiting room reading my book!) ate, talked and laughed.
Somewhere in that Hospital was Dude-E.
Our fate at this point, unknown.
Surgery was successful and my day as an ‘entertainer’ had come to an end…I was ready to leave the hospital and enjoy the rest of the clear, warm, beautiful, California day. My sister agreed to walk me out to my car as she too wanted some fresh air. I said good-bye to my mom and we made our way to the elevator. I started doing the jig on the elevator…not the oooh, watch me dance jig, more like the oh dear I gotta pee dance. Because I had about a fifteen minute drive, I decided better safe than sorry (really sorry) and found my way to the hospital restrooms.
At some point, Dude-E must have been doing the jig-e somewhere too.
The only facilities I could find had the men/woman sign on the door. Now I know that for sure because after my experience in Chapter 5, I pay attention to these things, close attention.
I talk a lot, and this day was no exception. I had found this restroom however, being in the midst of a conversation with my sister, whilst doing the jig, I entered the one person bathroom paying no attention to anything but what I was blabbering about. Ooooh I really gotta go now sis….as I shut the door I turned around and that’s when it happened.
Our eyes met, mine and Dude-E‘s.
As I stand there doing the jig, there he sat…Dude-E.
Oh and by not you probably got the picture. Dude-E was taking a doodie.
I scrambled fast, oh dear God did I scramble.
I walk (run) out, my sister giving me a ‘oh that was fast you didn’t wet your pants did you’ look.
RUN was all I could say, RUN for your life. Now my guess is Dude-E wasn’t going to chase me down but he wasn’t a small man and I did not want to take any chances. So we ran, my sister didn’t know quite why she was running but she did. We got to the elevator, I pushed every flippin’ button in sight. Twice. After what seemed like 10 minutes one opened. Clear out the gurneys…I am running from Dude-E as we pushed our way on. “Why are we running?” my sister asked between breaths. “Dude-E, I saw Dude-E” I replied, trying to catch my breath.
We both pushed every button in the elevator trying to speed it up. It opens on the second floor there stood my mom waiting to see her loved one. I explained the best I could what had happened. “Calm down, it’s o.k.” she said as she wailed with hysterics, “calm down” “I can’t calm down…I still gotta pee!!” I said as my eyes bulged further and further out. “I gotta pee and Dude-E is in the bathroom!” By now the surrounding hospital goers and staff had heard us and roared in laughter with my mom.
One very nice nurse felt my pain, and offered to lead me to a VACANT restroom.
I was now jig free but worried about how I was going to make it out to my car without running in to Dude-E. I would die. What would I say.
‘Hi?’ ‘Lock the door next time, you have now scarred me for life!’ ‘How ya feeling?’
Fortunately, I made it without incident.
I climbed into my car and drove off, enjoying the clear, warm, beautiful, California day!