Some days I smile…some days I cry…others, I find myself still processing the reality of it. But there has not been one day I have not thought about you, missed you or talked to you.

It was 365 days ago today I lost a piece of my heart, my aunt, one of my best friends. I have struggled these past few weeks, mindful this day was approaching. This is a text message I received to help get me through the day, I am really holding on to these words…

“O.K. Chin up She’s looking over you and it would make her smile to SEE you doing good and happy.”

…………….

Aunt Bobbie,
I miss…
your smile
your infectious giggle
your shoulder to cry on.

I miss…
your Spice Drop Cookies (I might even miss your Waldorf Salad…k, maybe not)
your unconditional love
your words of wisdom.

I miss…
the encouragement and inspiration you gave me to write. I have lost that passion
our marathon phone calls and your ability to listen as much as I talked. (You would love the barely-holds-a-charge battery I have now!!!)
our “code words” that I could never remember. (Seriously, translating ‘How do your eyes feel?’ into ‘I need help!’ could happen to anyone!)
how you forgave so easily.

I miss…
spraying “Phuket” body spray on ourselves when we were having a bad day.
you, making me laugh
making you laugh
you telling me everything would be o.k…and making me believe it.

I miss…
hearing your voice
hugging you

I miss…
you.

I’m going to do my best today to keep my chin up. You’re looking over me…I want to make you smile…SEE…I’m doing o.k…I’m good…I’m happy. 

I love you,

It has been 48 days since my Aunt Bobbie passed away, yet the reality of it it still unfathomable. I often find myself picking up the phone to call her, or making a mental note about something I need to tell her. I miss her laugh, her words of wisdom. I miss talking to her, I miss her.

I sat with her for a few hours, alone, just before she passed away. I laughed, I cried. I told her it was o.k. to go, I threatened she better not leave me. I talked and talked and talked (as usual)…she listened, (as usual) occasionally squeezing my hand or just giving me a simple sigh, letting me know she was present in the conversation.

I don’t remember exactly what I did or didn’t say, but I know there was, and never will be enough time or words to say everything I wanted…or needed to say. A few things I may…or may not have forgotten…

• I am sorry for draining your phone battery nearly every time we talked.

• I will miss my $5.00 gift certificates to McDonalds in my birthday card each year.

• Thank you for being my babysitter, my aunt and my friend.

• I will never forgive you for making me eat the fat on my steak.

• I am sorry for not telling anyone you ran out of gas on that hot, summer day when you called for help.

• Thank you for not beating me with that stick you had in your hand when you had to walk home…on that hot, summer day.

• I forgive you for giving me 2 left gloves for Christmas.

• I confess, it was me that hid the hominy in the milk…I didn’t want to eat it!!!

• Thank you for always standing by my side through the years.

• I will always treasure the night, not long ago, we tried on all your favorite hats…and laughed so hard we almost peed our pants. You gave me your favorite one!

• I will never forgive you for reintroducing me to Spice Drops. I eat them excessively…

• Thank you for giving me 5 fantastic cousins!

• Thank you for teaching me the difference between a meat grinder and an apple peeler.

• I forgive you for giving me the ugliest fabric pin and earrings I have ever seen.

• Thank you for letting me “practice” cutting your hair.

• Thank you for letting me “practice” cutting your hair a 2nd time.

• I will think of you every time I’m having a bad day and spray on my “Phuket” body spray. I will include an extra spay each time..for you.

• Thank you for all the Deviled Egg plates. One can never have too many.

• I will never forgive you for making me search every floor of the hospital for your keys, only for you to tell me an hour later you found them…in your bra.

• I miss being able to cry on your shoulder.

• Thank you for slipping me what was probably your last $40.00 under the Thanksgiving dinner table, because you knew the position I was in.

• I’m sorry I told Randy to run from you when he was in trouble.

• I’m sorry I told Randy the “Music Man” was really the “Ice Cream Man.”

• I will never understand why your purse weighed more than I did.

• Thank you for being such a good sister to my mom.

• Thank you for leaving us all with such a precious and beautiful gift…your legacy.

• I will always remember you for your giant, gentle heart, your compassion for all. Your ability to forgive, your infectious laugh, your words of wisdom, your inspiration. I will remember your never ending strength, your Waldorf Salad that I hated, your patience, trust and endless love. I will always remember you for being the best aunt I could have asked for, the best friend I could turn to and the incredible woman that you were.

I will always remember you. Thank you for the memories.
I’m sorry, forgive me and I confess.

I love you!!

When I woke up yesterday it was like Christmas morning with Santa in his UPS uniform at my door bearing gifts! The box clearly read Canon on it, my camera had arrived…all fixed, adjusted and sparkly clean. I guess the shutter mechanism thingy-bob had to be replaced. Whatever. I finally feel whole again!

Later in the day I had some errands to run and had a bit of time to kill before my nail appointment so I ran into The Dollar Tree to browse. I love going through their stationary stuff and almost always find a few treasures that I don’t really need. I picked up a little “Things I Need To Do” notepad, I’m real good about writing things down, just not so good at remembering where I wrote them. Right beside my little treasure was a bag of Boston Baked Beans. Obviously someone had willpower  not to indulge and put them back…in the stationary. A weakness of mine, I couldn’t help but wonder if they had been strategically placed there. I have no willpower and caved.

I walked around with my “To Do” pad and Beans hoping to find at least one more item to add to my treasures. Just when I had lost all hope, this body spray caught my eye…I simply could not resist. Great name, ya think? “Gee, what should I wear today? Hmm…Oh PHUKET!” “Heidi, what do you want for your birthday?” “Nothing” “C’mon, something!” “No, nothing” “Can you give me an idea?” “Just PHUKET” “Wow, sorry I asked!”

As I got in line to check out, I secretly giggled about my new found treasure. I am approached by a man (I will respectfully refer to him as Ben Dumped)
Ben: “HI”
Me: “Hi”
Ben: “I’m ugly, huh?”
Me: “Umm, no”
Ben: “I’m cute?”
Me: “Yeah…”
Ben: “My girlfriend just broke up with me”
Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear…”
Ben: “She always calls me though”
Me: Maybe she misses…”
Ben: “Do you really think so?”
Me: “She might”
Ben: “I lost my job too”
Me: “That’s horri…”
Ben: “I got another one today”
Me: “Good for you, see…”
Ben: “Now I make $29 an hour”
Me: “That’s…”
Ben: “It’s $1 more than I used to make”
Me: “Things worked out in your favor, congrat…”
Ben: “I have a million dollar house here in Upland”
Me: “Wow…”
Ben: “It’s already paid off”
O.k., if somebody doesn’t get me away from this close-talker…soon, I’m going to freak out!! I’m pretty sure the lady in front of me is paying with all pennies as she has been counting her change this whole time.
Ben: “I have a house in Redlands too”
Me: “Yeah? Is it paid off…”
Ben: “It’s worth about $600,000 or even $650,000″
Me: “…”
Ben: “It’s paid off too. My ex lives in it.”
How many more pennies does this lady need? I’ll buy her stuff, just get me the heck out of here! I finally escape the house and have a productive day and all I want to do now is go home, get under my covers and eat my Boston Baked Beans.
Ben: “Are you married?”
Me: deep breath “Yep, 30 something years now” (in reality, this would have made me around 10 when I got married)
Ben: “I was married once”

Finally, it’s my turn. I try to keep my composure as I give the checkout dude the get me the hell outta here look. He strikes up a conversation with Ben, apparently they know each other. I am going nowhere fast. As I try to decide whether I should walk out or freak out, checkout dude rings me up. I try my keep my head from doing the 360 thing. “Will that be all?” he asks. I notice I am still holding my favorite treasure. As I set it down I reply, “No, PHUKET…I want this too.”

I sprint to my car, lock the doors and leave. If anybody wonders, cares, etc…I am home under the covers eating my Boston Baked Beans.

Home’s not so bad after all….