Blast From The Past

I have had so much going on lately and so much to write about, but time is not my friend right now! I am working on something, but until then…enjoy #2 of a random blast from the past. Originally posted in December 2007~

We have all heard the saying; “She/He doesn’t have all her/his ducks in a row”
Now my ducks may wander from time to time but they have always managed to find their way back. Not this time. Not only are they not in a row, I am missing a few. Did they leave on their own free will or were they abduckted? It doesn’t matter; I just want them back, I miss them. I want them in a row.
Bad things happen when your ducks are misplaced.
Where are your ducks? Are they all accounted for…or have they wandered too?
Here are a few signs they may be missing as well:

You no longer think clearly.
You ‘accidentally’ lock your keys in the car…while it’s running.
Deep breath…collect your thoughts
You have someone bring you your spare set. Woot-Woot!
You push the “unlock” button that technology has provided you for convenience
You push the “unlock” button, again. The car won’t unlock, it is running.
Assuming the person who brought you the spare still has their ducks, you rely on them for suggestions. They have none.
Collect your thoughts.
You eventually notice this foreign object dangling next to the “unlock” button.
It’s a key.
You unlock the door.

You take your beloved pet, Fluffy to the vet. As you are writing them a check that wipes out your life savings & kids college fund, they explain to you that fluffy has an ear infection. They give you drops, 3 drops, 3x a day…yadda, yadda, yadda. You follow directions precisely, 3 drops, 3x a day in the infected ear. It’s a struggle, but you are a caring, responsible pet owner. You owe it to Fluffy.
Perhaps it would be easier for both of you with the help of another.
You comfort and position Fluffy as you explain the routine to your brave helper. This person obviously does not have a duck problem. Their ducks are not only all accounted for, they sit prim and proper in the most perfect row you have ever seen. Your brave helper must have sensed your “problem” prompting them to read the directions for themselves.
It was then you learned…you were horrified….how could you?
Those drops were an antibiotic, to be administered orally.

You awake after a good night sleep. You climb into a nice, hot shower to prepare for your day. By now you have your routine down. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. If you are a girl (woman, if you will) your routine generally consists of shaving. You love the feeling of those baby soft legs. The ‘pits’ are a must, and then there’s the bikini line (vay down there!) You lather up with your favorite shaving cream. A razor is a dangerous object but you are an adult and you have done this a million times.
Left pit. Right pit.
Left leg. Right leg.
Now the bikini area, (vay down there) you approach with a little more caution. This is a delicate area. It’s at that point you realize perhaps you are a bit over confident and not as thorough as you should be.
You start over.
Left pit. Right pit.
Left leg. Right leg.
You rinse and re-rinse the razor. Looks clean as a whistle.
Being the dare devil that you are, you attempt the bikini area again. (vay…..)
Nothing. You come to the conclusion the razor is dull. Yes, it’s brand new but you never know, the razor packer dude may have a duck problem as well.
You got a bad razor, get over it.
You toss it in the trash; you glance at it to make sure it indeed landed in there (you would not want Fluffy to get a hold of it)
That’s when you see it.
You become flush, and for a brief moment you think you hear your ducks…
laughing (quacking up) at you…as if they saw it too.
The protective cover on your new razor is still on it.
Your ducks are like Guardian Angels, they watch over you. They also instill you with knowledge. Without them you must learn on your own. The hard way. For example, I have learned:
While standing at your bathroom mirror blow-drying your hair, it is physically possible to fall into the shower.
It is best to cut the protective seal off of baby lotion. Holding the bottle in your hands and pulling the seal off with your teeth will send an unexpected explosion of lotion into your mouth.
You can fall not only down stairs, but up the stairs as well.
I’ve learned that while listening to a lengthy phone message, even if you forget it is a message and respond to the caller, they will not reply.

So you see, our ducks play an important role in not only our mental health but our physical health as well. Appreciate them, protect them.
Did they leave on their own free will or were they duck-napped. It doesn’t matter; I just want my ducks back. I want them in a row, but if that never happens I’ll be o.k…as much as I miss them…I’ll be o.k!


A few of the blogs I follow on a regular basis will occasionally do a re-post, a blast from the past. Surprisingly, even as long as I’ve been following them, a majority of them are new to me. You know where I’m going with this, don’t you? I thought I would be a copycat and every month or two, throw in my own random blast from the past. This was the first one that came to mind, as it was brought up in a conversation I had yesterday. Originally posted in July 2008…just another typical visit with my best friend.

Via text message:
D- “I have cramps so bad, I feel like I’m gonna die.”
H- “Put some frozen ground beef on your tummy.”
D- “Nobody should go through life without a friend like you.”

Perhaps she is relieved we can laugh about it now, and we are both alive to do so.
She is one of the best friends I have ever had and I absolutely love my mini-vacations to visit her in Ventura. My last visit was memorable in more ways than one.
We had spent the evening doing ‘girl’ things…painting our nails, eating, talking, laughing, crying, etc… We eventually fell asleep, safely watching t.v.
She awoke a few hours later with a toothache…
“Anbesol, use some Anbesol” I mumbled between snores.
After fumbling around for a few minutes, she informed me she couldn’t find anything she thought would work. Afraid of missing anymore ZZZZ’s I told her to get an ice pack, (2 ice packs…just let me sleep)
“It always works for me” I lied.
Evidently the coldness was adequate, at least long enough for her to fall back asleep.
What seemed like just a few hours later, the sun began piercing through her bedroom window just enough to slightly bring me out of the coma I had fallen back in to. I lay there with my eyes closed anticipating my morning walk to the beach. I had dolphins to see and couldn’t think of a better way to start my day. I decide if I got up sooner than later, I would make it back in time to see her off to work. I slowly open one eyeball at a time and roll over to take a quick glance at the clock. Beside me lies a puddle of blood. Oh dear God, what have I done now? I remember the fine print on my Ambien, the warning. I remember the stories I had heard of people sleep walking, driving, etc…
Had I unconsciously killed my best friend? I am now in panic mode.
“D” I asked, “you alive?”
After opening her eyes, we both lay there in shock.
“Uh-huh, you?”
Her t-shirt was soaked, as were the sheets and her pillow case.
“You o.k?” I ask
“I think so, you?”
Now I am wondering, am I o.k? Perhaps one of us was bleeding to death and were too numb from the loss of blood to realize it. It had to be her, after all, it was her pillow and t-shirt that were soiled.
“Don’t move” I warn her, “I am going to stand up”
Left leg, check.
Right leg, check.
I am now in an upright position and I’m o.k., Hallelujah!
(*note to self: reconsider the Ambien thing)
Not to get too excited, my friend after all is laying next to a puddle of blood. I bravely walk around to her side of the bed. Not too sure what to do next, we decide she should try to get up as well.
Left leg, check.
Right leg, check.
She is now in an upright position and she’s o.k., Hallelujah!
So now we both stand, upright, alive and confused. We decide to slowly disassemble the bedding, one piece at a time….th, th, that’s when we saw it. Imagine the horror/relief we felt when we discovered the “ice pack” she had grabbed in the middle of the night turned out to be a pound of frozen ground beef that had now thawed out.
As disgusting as it was, we laughed so hard we nearly peed our pants. We might have! She made me promise I would never tell anyone, I am her best friend, I wouldn’t do that! I have a feeling we’ll be friends forever, after all, we have been through so much together. If we could survive a ‘bloody toothache’ together, we can get through anything! Love you D!

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