It was 365 days ago today I lost a piece of my heart, my aunt, one of my best friends. I have struggled these past few weeks, mindful this day was approaching. This is a text message I received to help get me through the day, I am really holding on to these words…

“O.K. Chin up She’s looking over you and it would make her smile to SEE you doing good and happy.”

…………….

Aunt Bobbie,
I miss…
your smile
your infectious giggle
your shoulder to cry on.

I miss…
your Spice Drop Cookies (I might even miss your Waldorf Salad…k, maybe not)
your unconditional love
your words of wisdom.

I miss…
the encouragement and inspiration you gave me to write. I have lost that passion
our marathon phone calls and your ability to listen as much as I talked. (You would love the barely-holds-a-charge battery I have now!!!)
our “code words” that I could never remember. (Seriously, translating ‘How do your eyes feel?’ into ‘I need help!’ could happen to anyone!)
how you forgave so easily.

I miss…
spraying “Phuket” body spray on ourselves when we were having a bad day.
you, making me laugh
making you laugh
you telling me everything would be o.k…and making me believe it.

I miss…
hearing your voice
hugging you

I miss…
you.

I’m going to do my best today to keep my chin up. You’re looking over me…I want to make you smile…SEE…I’m doing o.k…I’m good…I’m happy. 

I love you,

I sat with her for a few hours, alone, just before she passed away. I laughed, I cried. I told her it was o.k. to go, I threatened she better not leave me. I talked and talked and talked (as usual)…she listened, (as usual) occasionally squeezing my hand or just giving me a simple sigh, letting me know she was present in the conversation.

I don’t remember exactly what I did or didn’t say, but I know there was, and never will be enough time or words to say everything I wanted…or needed to say. A few things I may…or may not have forgotten…

• I am sorry for draining your phone battery nearly every time we talked.

• I will miss my $5.00 gift certificates to McDonalds in my birthday card each year.

• Thank you for being my babysitter, my aunt and my friend.

• I will never forgive you for making me eat the fat on my steak.

• I am sorry for not telling anyone you ran out of gas on that hot, summer day when you called for help.

• Thank you for not beating me with that stick you had in your hand when you had to walk home…on that hot, summer day.

• I forgive you for giving me 2 left gloves for Christmas.

• I confess, it was me that hid the hominy in the milk…I didn’t want to eat it!!!

• Thank you for always standing by my side through the years.

• I will always treasure the night, not long ago, we tried on all your favorite hats…and laughed so hard we almost peed our pants. You gave me your favorite one!

• I will never forgive you for reintroducing me to Spice Drops. I eat them excessively…

• Thank you for giving me 5 fantastic cousins!

• Thank you for teaching me the difference between a meat grinder and an apple peeler.

• I forgive you for giving me the ugliest fabric pin and earrings I have ever seen.

• Thank you for letting me “practice” cutting your hair.

• Thank you for letting me “practice” cutting your hair a 2nd time.

• I will think of you every time I’m having a bad day and spray on my “Phuket” body spray. I will include an extra spay each time..for you.

• Thank you for all the Deviled Egg plates. One can never have too many.

• I will never forgive you for making me search every floor of the hospital for your keys, only for you to tell me an hour later you found them…in your bra.

• I miss being able to cry on your shoulder.

• Thank you for slipping me what was probably your last $40.00 under the Thanksgiving dinner table, because you knew the position I was in.

• I’m sorry I told Randy to run from you when he was in trouble.

• I’m sorry I told Randy the “Music Man” was really the “Ice Cream Man.”

• I will never understand why your purse weighed more than I did.

• Thank you for being such a good sister to my mom.

• Thank you for leaving us all with such a precious and beautiful gift…your legacy.

• I will always remember you for your giant, gentle heart, your compassion for all. Your ability to forgive, your infectious laugh, your words of wisdom, your inspiration. I will remember your never ending strength, your Waldorf Salad that I hated, your patience, trust and endless love. I will always remember you for being the best aunt I could have asked for, the best friend I could turn to and the incredible woman that you were.

I will always remember you. Thank you for the memories.
I’m sorry, forgive me and I confess.

I love you!!

W

Later in the day I had some errands to run and had a bit of time to kill before my nail appointment so I ran into The Dollar Tree to browse. I love going through their stationary stuff and almost always find a few treasures that I don’t really need. I picked up a little “Things I Need To Do” notepad, I’m real good about writing things down, just not so good at remembering where I wrote them. Right beside my little treasure was a bag of Boston Baked Beans. Obviously someone had willpower  not to indulge and put them back…in the stationary. A weakness of mine, I couldn’t help but wonder if they had been strategically placed there. I have no willpower and caved.

I walked around with my “To Do” pad and Beans hoping to find at least one more item to add to my treasures. Just when I had lost all hope, this body spray caught my eye…I simply could not resist. Great name, ya think? “Gee, what should I wear today? Hmm…Oh PHUKET!” “Heidi, what do you want for your birthday?” “Nothing” “C’mon, something!” “No, nothing” “Can you give me an idea?” “Just PHUKET” “Wow, sorry I asked!”

As I got in line to check out, I secretly giggled about my new found treasure. I am approached by a man (I will respectfully refer to him as Ben Dumped)
Ben: “HI”
Me: “Hi”
Ben: “I’m ugly, huh?”
Me: “Umm, no”
Ben: “I’m cute?”
Me: “Yeah…”
Ben: “My girlfriend just broke up with me”
Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear…”
Ben: “She always calls me though”
Me: Maybe she misses…”
Ben: “Do you really think so?”
Me: “She might”
Ben: “I lost my job too”
Me: “That’s horri…”
Ben: “I got another one today”
Me: “Good for you, see…”
Ben: “Now I make $29 an hour”
Me: “That’s…”
Ben: “It’s $1 more than I used to make”
Me: “Things worked out in your favor, congrat…”
Ben: “I have a million dollar house here in Upland”
Me: “Wow…”
Ben: “It’s already paid off”
O.k., if somebody doesn’t get me away from this close-talker…soon, I’m going to freak out!! I’m pretty sure the lady in front of me is paying with all pennies as she has been counting her change this whole time.
Ben: “I have a house in Redlands too”
Me: “Yeah? Is it paid off…”
Ben: “It’s worth about $600,000 or even $650,000″
Me: “…”
Ben: “It’s paid off too. My ex lives in it.”
How many more pennies does this lady need? I’ll buy her stuff, just get me the heck out of here! I finally escape the house and have a productive day and all I want to do now is go home, get under my covers and eat my Boston Baked Beans.
Ben: “Are you married?”
Me: deep breath “Yep, 30 something years now” (in reality, this would have made me around 10 when I got married)
Ben: “I was married once”

Finally, it’s my turn. I try to keep my composure as I give the checkout dude the get me the hell outta here look. He strikes up a conversation with Ben, apparently they know each other. I am going nowhere fast. As I try to decide whether I should walk out or freak out, checkout dude rings me up. I try my keep my head from doing the 360 thing. “Will that be all?” he asks. I notice I am still holding my favorite treasure. As I set it down I reply, “No, PHUKET…I want this too.”

I sprint to my car, lock the doors and leave. If anybody wonders, cares, etc…I am home under the covers eating my Boston Baked Beans.

Home’s not so bad after all….